Post 140: Stop Asking

Recently when reading on http://www.milspouse.com/ I came across a topic called, “Questions I’m tired of hearing during a deployment” and many commented saying it would make a great forward. I have to agree – because truthfully, I’ve heard most of these questions myself.

So I thought I’d share with you the questions/comments…and add a bit of my own too it. I also thought this would be good for others who really “do not” know what we military spouses go through and let you know which questions bother us. I’m sure there are questions that people ask you non-military spouses that really get under your skin – we are no different.

If you are a “new” military spouse stopping by my blog today – beware, believe it or not you will hear these questions in your future…and probably more.

STOP ASKING ME:

"Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"

This one ranks in at number one on my "duh" list. Of course we're afraid, you dimwit. We're terrified. The thought constantly lingers at the back of our minds - but thank you so much for reminding me yet again. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.

My Thoughts: The fear never goes away – and that silly question only causes us to lose a night or 2’s sleep praying, worrying, and driving our self insane until we hear from him. Then we scold ourselves for being so silly and flipping out. Then we get mad at the idiot that asked the question that deprived us already sleep deprived spouses even further. Dumb question – I recommend not asking it.

It kinda reminds me of when my daughter was a baby. She had hair, out of this world. It was long and curly…very curly. I was amazed at how many people would ask me, “Did you perm it?” Now, what kind of stupid question is that! Who in the world perms a baby’s hair! Come on!!

"I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."

Though this is really annoying, I feel bad about mentioning it because I know that it is intended to be a compliment. Still, it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious, light-sleepers who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we got asked to take on a challenging life and we rose to the challenge.

My Thoughts: AMEN!!! And sadly everybody asks that one! I think most the time this is said because they simply do not know what else to say. I also know it is meant as a compliment – but how do they expect us to respond to that? Should we say, “Oh yeah, we’re just so much better and tougher than you…its ok”. No! We are not better, not tougher, and we are NOT super woman – although that might help – we are spouses, we are human, and I really don’t know a better way to say it other than as said about, “we got asked to take on a challenging life and we rose to the challenge.”

This particular comment actually does upset a lot of spouses. I take it in stride, but other’s well are more sensitive than I am and when they are finally alone I’ll bet you money their behind a closed door some where, crying. Many people do not know and never will know how to deal with separation and fear – most of us military spouses don’t have it figured out. We all trip and stumble, we don’t have this life perfected to a “T” – if we did it’d be a walk in the park and these questions wouldn’t be the ones we say STOP ASKING.

Comment 1: I also hate the "How do you do it?" questions. I mean, what other choice do we have? We still have to eat, do laundry, go to work/school, pay bills, get the kids to school in the morning. Life doesn't stop when he gets deployed. We handle it not because we're super women but because there's no other choice.

"He's in Iraq? I'm sorry."

This comment, while meant to be helpful, is annoying! My husband is doing exactly what he wants to do. He is making a positive difference in the world, training the Iraqi military, and helping children who dream of growing up in a world free from strife. This is his job, this is our life, and this is how we choose to live it. We choose to live this life because our ideology.

My Thoughts: All of us no matter if we are a military spouse or not are probably proud of our spouse and whatever their career is. As a military spouse we are VERY proud of our spouses and even though this life is hard, we know that our spouse is doing exactly what he/she wants. This is the career they chose! Just like some people chose to be doctors, and lawyers…no different! Would you say to a Doctor’s wife, “Your husband is a breast surgeon? I’m sorry”? Come on! Don’t apologize for the simple fact that our spouses are doing what they chose to do, what they love to do, and most of all what we are proud of them for doing! It takes guts.

"Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?"

Don't you watch the news? No. They don't get to come home for any of these things. No, they often don't get to teleconference as much as people assume we get to for special events. Please don't ask again.

My Thoughts: This is a REALLY dumb one! When our spouse is deployed – he/she is GONE! Nine times out of ten we do not even know their return date and probably won’t know it until it’s time to go get them. With everything that has happened in the past few years you would think this question would not even get asked anymore. I wonder if they’ve heard the military version of Lonestar’s, "I'm already there".
I'm not sure if that video will show up or not - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. If not click this here - listen to the spouses in the background. You hear that one telling her man he's a father? No! They don't get to come home, until their deployment is over.

"What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"

For one, try to keep my sanity. Maybe there is a military wife out there who gets bored when her marine leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, we find ourselves having to fill the shoes of two people--husband and wife. On top of that we have to keep strong in public and ourselves in private. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored.

My Thoughts: I totally agree! Our goal is to keep sane, while manning the home front, playing both husband, wife, and mother and father. Bored? Not likely! If we were to get bored - then that equals too much time to think and too much time to think equals one insane spouse.

"How much longer does he have until he can get out?"

This one is annoying to many of us whether our guys are deployed or not. Most of our men aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. The military isn't a slave program they are sold into, it's a choice. Sorry to break it to you but many of them keep signing back up again and again because (gasp!) they love what they do.

My Thoughts: So true! They do not get out until they've reached the goal they wanted. That could be a 6-year-stint, a 20-year-stint, or a 30. This is their career, their choice. He/She will get out when they are ready.

"This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."

I'm sorry, just how do you get used to watching your man go off to war? It's not a little business trip. There are bombs, bullets, and some very bad people who are bent on killing. My man and his guys are the barrier that keeps them from coming here and trying to kill us. Sure, we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets easy and the bullets and bombs don't swerve around our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away. It's not exactly conducive to easy sleeping. We learn coping skills. We never get used to it.

An add on: "He's on his fifth deployment to Iraq?" Well, this should be "old hat" for you now -- you probably enjoy the peace and quiet at home while he's gone, don't you?

My Thoughts: Not on your life! You never get used to it, no matter how many times a spouse is deployed and it doesn't get easier. Sure you learn the ropes, what to do while their gone, and all that - but that's just business. When you are talking matters of the heart, the emotions, the feelings...NO - it does not get easier.

"Well, this is what you signed up for when you married him."

This is probably one of the most unthoughtful and brazen things you can say to a military wife. Not only that but it is the most common "insult" military wives come across. Firstly, thank you for showing a lack of common sense and compassion. By no means does a military wife faithfully commit to the lifestyle not expecting her husband to go to war and for his life to be put in extreme jeopardy however, how does that make us more or less prepared to receive his deployment orders? To tell him goodbye for 6, 13, or 15 months, or maybe forever? How does that prepare us for the random and unexpected battle we will face alone while they are away? We as military wives do not ask much from anyone, let alone civilians who have no idea what the life is like, but you can show a little compassion and support for us. We are the ones left behind as our husbands go to war. We are often more alone than you could ever know--show a little compassion and respect when you talk to us.

My Thoughts: What I find odd about this one, "You knew when you married him that it was going to be hard", is that before we married him, unless we come from a military family - is that we were probably as clueless as everybody that says these things to us, that irritate us. However, we did not marry him because he is a Soldier, we married him, because we fell in love with him - the same reason everybody else gets married. I was pretty much clueless as to what life would be like married to a Soldier. I knew there'd be deployments and things that I had no control over, and that's basically it. I loved him and I love him more now - his choice of career had no affect on my choice to marry him - and no I didn't know how hard it would be or exactly what I'd signed up for. In the past 10 years - I've learned alot and I'm not that clueless 19-year-old bride anymore...but I wouldn't have made any other choice had I known.

This is the worst one! As a matter of fact let me share a few of the comments about that one with you.

Comment 1: The funny thing is, I NEVER complain about anything my husband does, or I do consequently. My husband loves his job, and I am extremely proud of him for what he has chosen. He's an admirable soldier. So, stop making it seem like I've signed my own death sentence!

Comment 2: My dad is one who quotes, "Well you knew he was a soldier when you married him. You signed up for this as well." REALLY? Did you REALLY just say that. I guess we were just supposed to tell our hearts not to fall in love with them if they are a soldier. Yeah right....that is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

Comment 3: I get this all the time. I just want to slap them in the face. This might as be a verbal assault. I want to say no I didn't sign up for this. I married the man for Love and despite him leaving I didn't give up on him.I support him in anything he does.I want to say "well I'd rather send insensitive people like your self but, the government won't allow me."

My Thoughts: See? Bad one! Don't, do NOT ask it. It hurts.

"My boyfriend had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."

This one is similar to the one above. Do not equate your boyfriend's three week with a 7-10 month deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious trip length difference, nobody shot at your boyfriend or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your boyfriend could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for comparing a combat deployment to a business trip.

My Thoughts: Yeah, you must be blond to say that one - sorry to my blond friends - you know I mean no harm :) It's just I mean come on - there is a huge difference between "Deployment" and "Business" trips.

"Don't you miss him?"

No, not really... What do you think?! Of course we miss our men. If we didn't, we wouldn't be together!!!

My Thoughts: That's just plain stupid...of course we miss him! It may take a few days or weeks for it all to sink in, but at night after the kids are in bed and there's no one to talk to, no one to watch a movie or tv show with, and no one to go to bed with - yeah he's missed, more than words can ever say or others will ever know.

"How is he/she doing or what's he/she doing?"

Don't bother to see how I'm doing. He's not even allowed to tell me what he's doing or anything and it's quite fatiguing to answer that question 20 times a day. Not everybody he knows needs a daily update. I don't even get a daily update sometimes! Don't get me wrong, I love that people miss him and all but he's not the only one dealing with things. His parents, the kids, not to mention the wife, are dealing with a serious life upheaval as well.

My Thoughts: No we don't get daily updates and no we can't tell you what he is doing...mainly because we don't really know. Secondly why? We want our spouses safe - some information just can not be shared.

"When is he coming back?"

Honestly, I don't know. I have a general idea of when it is, but with the military, who knows. Ask me about a month before his deployment is supposed to be over, and I might have a better idea. But don't start planning any parties yet, since I'm sure it'll change again. And no he won't be home permanently and not have to ever go back. I won't know until I get the call to go pick him up. Then I know when he will be home. Most of us are not about to tell a living soul.... I want him to make it home safely. I just wish people used the brains they were born with more often... if its classified, STOP ASKING THE WIFE.

My Thoughts: I know that's a very popular question, I know people are curious...but guess what so are we! We have a general idea and we will probably tell you that general idea...but that's it, so drop it.

The one I hate most is, "6 months? That's not bad!" Not bad? Maybe not in comparison, but what the Hell would I be comparing for? Any amount of time my husband spends in the desert away from me and his family is bad. Duh. Then there's the people who try to cheer you up by showing you "the sunny side" of the deployment."Well, he's going to a safe zone." Look, it's been declared a safe zone but that doesn't mean it never gets attacked and he's still a thousand times safer here, with me, in my arms than he is over there! "It's better than him being gone for 13 months!" While that may be true, that doesn't make me feel like it sucks any less that my husband is leaving me for 6 months. It's a personal thing. And then my husband's "cheer wifey up" line, "Well think about all the money we'll be making!" Ok, money is nice and all, but how many times do I have to tell you that I'd rather be broke with you than rich without you? What good is money if we can't use it to buy a nice romantic dinner for the two of us?

My Thoughts: I've heard the money one. David would have left before May 1st - if he could, for one more month of tax free income. Who cares! You're getting at least 4 already. It doesn't cheer us up.

And believe it or not this even becomes irritating:

"Are you okay? "

No, I am not ok! My husband is gone, my kids cry for him, and I never get a break. I know they mean well but duh.

My Thoughts: I know it's a meant well question - but after a while it does get old. I think I'll start replying with "yeah I'm great - had 3 pints and life is good". This house is not a home when my husband is not in it - what part of that makes anything okay, especially me? I simply put on my brave and survive until his arms are back around me and I feel home again.

Many non-military people or "civilian" do not understand that these types of comments are hurtful, even if unintentional. Please don't look at us like the saddest lost puppy you've ever seen! We are PROUD of our spouses and what they do.

Now then, I did not chose to post this to hurt anyones feelings. I chose to post it to let those unknowing people know about the types of statements that hurt. I really don't know that there is a comment that helps. It's kinda of like a pregnant woman - all hormonal and just anything can tick you off, make you cry, or even make you scream. It's really hard not to rock the boat and we know you're just trying to make us feel better and that you don't intentionally mean to upset us.

Most of us will not tell you that the comment you made or question you asked hurt - unless we've really had it. Most of us take it in stride, cry behind closed doors, and put our brave face back on for round 92. Perhaps though, if some of us enlighten you by forwarding the "Questions I get tired of hearing during deployment" around to friends/family/and anyone else - more people will be come aware of the main DO NOT ASK questions. Who knows!

And to the "new" military spouses - you will hear at least one of these at one time or another and there is really no way to prepare you for that moment, but I will be praying for you.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it was a long post. The truth is we love our spouses, they love what they do, and we vowed to support them no matter their choices.

It's never easy loving a soldier, but if it were it wouldn't be worth it.

Tonya