Post 139: Putting On Our Brave Faces

This was written over the course of 2 days.

Deployment – it’s less than 12 hours away now. He’s done the laundry, tended to the yard, enjoyed a pint at the pub, soaked in a tub, and tucked the kids in bed. His deployment bags are packed and sitting in front of the fire place. He’s created an M&M jar for the kids, 2 M&M’s per night that he is gone. Soon the M&M’s will start to go down and the closer to the bottom they get – the closer it is to when Daddy comes home. It was his idea, I didn’t even know about it – but I think it’s great.

I’m worried about Ashlynn; we have to drive him to the base in the morning – at some horrid hour. There he will leave with the others that were also tasked for deployment. We will say our goodbyes then. I’m praying Ashlynn handles it better than the last time. She takes it so hard. I thought the older they got the easier it would be, but I was wrong. I read something on www.milspouse.com that confirmed it. It went something like this:

“I can honestly say that no matter how old your kids are, it is never easy for them to have a parent in a war zone. In fact as they get older they actually come to realize even deeper what the dangers are. It doesn’t matter if they are 12 months, 12 years, or 21 – it’s their father they adore who is in danger and missing them grow up. They do not get used to it either…and the feelings and emotions do not subside in them just because they are older.”

Ashlynn is nearly 10 and it’s hard for her each time. It was actually simpler when she was a baby! I just pray she doesn’t go ballistic, crying and clinging to him. I’ve tried off and on today to give her pep talks about tomorrow. Telling her if she needs to cry just a “little” bit then okay – but to save the giant tears for when Daddy’s out of sight. Maybe that’s wrong of me, but it is just as hard on him and even worse when she throws a fit. So I hope and pray that she understands.

Brier is very excited about the M&M’s – he was ready to start now. Guess we know he likes chocolate. He also has asked things like “will you get on a plane?” He is more curious and I think he will handle it okay. He usually does. It will shock me if he flips out.

Anyway – I better go see if David has everything he needs or needs help with anything. Please keep him in your prayers for the next few months.

About 2 minutes after I wrote this last night, I heard the sniffles. I fully expected to climb the stairs and go to Ashlynn, but as I stood in the hall trying to figure out which one it was – I was shocked to find it was Brier. He was having a really hard time and asking lots of questions.

I kept telling him he needed to put his brave face on and be strong for Daddy because he's the man of the house while Daddy's gone and being strong means you have to try really hard not to throw a fit. It’s ok to cry a little bit, but not loads of crying. He kept taking big giant deep breaths to keep himself from crying and finally he says to me "I know, but it's hard on my heart.” All I could say was, “Buddy, I know.”

Then he wanted to see Daddy so I told him if he promised to not cry loads I’d get Daddy. We pinky promised and I stepped out to get David. I found him in the hall, leaned up against the wall, struggling right along with Brier. He took a deep breath and went in to speak with his son.

After that we tried to work our way to bed, but Brier still needed time. So he came in the room and he was talking to David. I stood out in the hall and listened. He is really upset that Daddy is going to miss his Birthday and they were talking about Nana coming to visit and a few other things, when Brier said, “You’re going to miss all the fun stuff.” Poor guy.

Then I heard him say that he bets after we get back home, from dropping David off, that he will just run up to his bed and cry. He is sensitive like his Daddy, but man it’s not easy when he voices those sensitive feelings that strike you right in the heart.

I found myself wondering as I stood there in the hall, "How many more times will I have to do this? Put on this brave face, switch gears, cry alone, sleep alone, handle the kids alone and try to convince them to be brave...how many more?"

I do not want him to retire until he reaches the top of the ladder – that’s just 2 more stripes. He told me before we married that he would not climb this ladder and not reach the top. The top is Chief and I don't plan on letting him bail out before that. I will not be the reason he didn’t make it. I vowed to support him all the way to the top and that’s what I'll do. I know it won’t be easy, but my brave won’t crack.

Guess God knew what he was doing when he made me because there is no other way to explain how I cope. I’m not super woman, but I do believe I was made to be David’s wife, and that includes being a military wife.

I feel like we only got about 3 hours of sleep before taking David to the base. We were both so tired this morning. I hope David slept sometime today, somewhere.

I was very proud of my children this morning for being able to put on such brave faces. I know how hard it is and how much it hurts their hearts when he is gone. It makes me both Mother and Father for a few months, but it amazes me at how strong our children are becoming.

It's sad when their heart is breaking, it's hilarious when my daughter wants to give her brother sedatives to shut him up, it's maddening when they don't help me, and its joyful when he returns, but most of all this is my career. Though it can be draining when I have to play both parts, it is still by far the most rewarding career I'll ever have. I feel very blessed to be able to simply be... MOM.

After we returned home, Brier lay on the couch and watched Avatar and fell asleep. Ashlynn and I snuggled in bed together with our heavy hearts and slept. When we all 3 awoke, we were the laziest 3 you’d ever meet! We ate junk food, laid around, and did a lot of nothing.

After a while we decided to try out the WII FIT – thank you, honey, for getting us that. We had a lot of fun with it and probably killed a couple hours taking turns on it and seeing who could beat who at the ski jump or who was the worst balanced. Our WII FIT ages were also interesting. I am 59, Ashlynn 12, and Brier 19!!! I guess that means we have a lot of work to do, because apparently we are unbalanced and not healthy enough…course today’s junk food could have played into that.

I talked with Mom on the phone several times today – trying to guide her through downloading photos – not an easy job. She needs a new computer! I’ve been downloading Day 2, Rome photos today – I need to continue blogging about our trip. I’ll get back to that soon – I promise.

I was surprised to get an IM from David – he’s just sitting some where at the moment, well actually I guess he is sleeping – but he is okay, waiting for the next step of his journey. It was nice to get a moment to chat with him…I don’t know when we will have that again, course you never really know. I hate the end of the conversations, but at the same time I know my man needs his sleep and that he’s had a long day, plus after our exhausting night – I can only imagine how tired he is. He didn’t get to sleep ½ the day away or lay around being lazy like the 3 of us.

I didn’t have long to dwell on, “oh conversations over” because Lady decided to drive me MAD! I believe this is the first time I’ve been 100% pissed at her. I love her to death, but she can be so STUBBORN – runs in this family, I know. I’d let her out to go pee and she would not come back in! So I went out to drag her butt back in here, had to walk all the way to the end of the yard nearly, and she knew she was in trouble, because she took off flying past me – for the house.

However, Ashlynn had come out to help me and I didn’t know it, till I turned around to witness a 70 pound dog, running 90 mile an hour run straight into her! Ashlynn went flying up in the air and landed flat on her back. Lady kept running. I got Ashlynn, carried her to the house, sat her down, and then had to go back out and track that darn dog down!

Needless to say, I was pissed. I put her in the kennel and made her stay there for 20 minutes…she’s steered clear of me since. I think she knows I’m not happy with her. I’ll have to put her on a led to take her out at bedtime, since she can’t listen and behave herself. Ashlynn has a nice bump on the head but other than that she’s okay. Thankfully.

I’ve got them all in bed now, and it’s time to get me to bed too. I’m thinking I should put my flannel sheets back on – with David gone, that bed won’t be very warm. Guess Lady will warm it up – but man she stinks! I need to take her to the groomer again. She’s worse than David when he forgets to take a shower!

Anyway – say a pray for David. I’ll write again soon – I read some interesting things on www.milspouse.com today that I want to share with you tomorrow. “Questions I get tired of hearing during Deployment.” I want to enlighten a few and make a few laugh, so beware of the questions you may ask.

Tonya